1991: Hudson Hawk.

Falling without style: Hawk and Anna
make an escape in Leonardo da Vinci's flyer.

Release Date: May 24, 1991. Running Time: 100 minutes. Screenplay: Steven E. de Souza, Daniel Waters. Producer: Joel Silver. Director: Michael Lehmann.


THE PLOT:

It's the day of his release from prison, and all cat burglar Eddie "Hudson" Hawk (Bruce Willis) wants to do is relax and enjoy a nice, hot cappuccino. But it isn't to be. Small-town mobsters Cesar and Antony Mario demand he rob an auction house and steal a particular artwork: a clay model of a horse created by Leonardo da Vinci.

He and his partner Tommy (Danny Aiello) do the job, but the burglary is only the beginning. Hawk soon finds himself involved with two psychotic billionaires (Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernhard), a rogue CIA agent (James Coburn), and even the Vatican in a plot to destroy the world economy!

Our unlikely heroes: Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis)
and Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello).

CHARACTERS:

Hudson Hawk: This was Bruce Willis's pet project, and the only movie in which he received a "story by" credit. Hawk is a lot closer to Willis's Moonlighting character than to John McClane. He's cocky and switches between being smooth in some scenes and almost cartoonishly wacky in others. The character is sometimes incoherent, veering between amazing competence and utter idiocy, but Willis's energetic performance makes him good enough company for the 90-plus minute ride.

Tommy Five-Tone: In the first twenty minutes, Hawk makes a series of cracks about how much weight his partner (Danny Aiello) has put on during his time away. None of these jibes is funny in the least. On top of that, while no one would accuse Aiello of being svelte, he doesn't look any more overweight than the average middle-aged man. Thankfully, the fat jokes stop relatively early on, and Aiello has terrific buddy chemistry with Bruce Willis. Their scenes together are easily the movie's best, which makes it a head-scratcher that the script separates them for roughly half the running time. Also, the film features two musical caper scenes, which reveal that Aiello had a surprisingly decent singing voice.

Anna: Hawk's love interest, an art expert who is working for the Vatican and who hides a secret of her own... one that's as easy to guess as it is spectacularly unconvincing. Andie MacDowell was always a limited actress, and she has no particular screen chemistry with Willis, making her easily the weakest of the movie's principals. Still, she throws herself gamely into a couple of absolutely absurd moments - notably when she channels her inner dolphin during an interrogation.

Darwin and Minerva Mayflower: "I'm the villain!", Richard E. Grant's Darwin Mayflower gleefully tells Hawk in their first real scene together. As the married, psychopathic billionaires, Grant and Sandra Bernhardt go so far over-the-top that I'm pretty sure they achieve orbit. I'd say this is the right approach. The script has them giggling while setting off explosives, then doing a tango after casually shooting two people. Given this, subtlety really isn't called for. Your reaction to these characters is probably going to be a good test of your reaction to the film itself: If you're amused by them, you'll probably go with the rest of the absurdity; if you find them obnoxious and annoying, then you probably won't.

"Kit Kat": Also embracing the absurdity of the movie is co-star David Caruso, in what is certainly the oddest role of his career. He's one of four CIA henchmen, all of whom are named after candy bars. Kit Kat is easily the most interesting of this group. He never speaks. He communicates by handing printed cards to people. Oh, and he loves disguises. At one point, he escorts Andie MacDowell while wearing a dress and wig to match hers. Later, he disguises himself as a Roman statue. Neither of these serve any apparent purpose, and there's never an explanation for them. Frankly, I'd happily watch an entire movie about this character; every time he appears, the results are interesting, and I think Caruso comes the closest to capturing the attitude the film is striving for.

George Kaplan: James Coburn was re-emerging as a screen presence in the early nineties after issues with arthritis had limited his eighties work. The character name, a nod to Cary Grant's role in North by Northwest, is one of the film's cleverer conceits, one that wisely is never commented on in any way. Coburn's talents are hardly taxed, but he seems to savor some of his lines. When Hawk meets him in Rome, Kaplan reminisces about this being the site of his first bare-handed strangulation, then immediately declares that he misses Communism. He also has a fight with Hawk late in the film, with each blow resulting in sound effects straight out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Kit Kat (David Caruso), disguised as a statue. Just because.

"SAY SOMETHING NICE":

Hudson Hawk may not be a good movie, but I find it an almost compulsively watchable one. Most of the jokes fall flat, but just enough hit the mark. Bruce Willis is at his most engaged, and he and Danny Aiello are terrific on-screen together. The movie maintains a generally amiable tone even when events don't quite seem to flow into each other.

If I were to catalogue all the scenes I enjoyed, this section would go on for several paragraphs, because I found quite a lot to like. Suffice it to say: Hudson Hawk moves fast, and I was amused enough to be carried over the stupidest moments. Among Razzie winners, I'd rate this as one of the most enjoyable.

So of course it was eventually nominated as one of the worst movies of the decade.


A VICTIM OF ITS OWN AD CAMPAIGN:

In part, I think Hudson Hawk was a victim of its own ad campaign. By 1991, the first two Die Hard films had established Bruce Willis as an action star. It was an image that, at that time, he was still kicking against. Just a few years earlier, he had been largely considered a comedy actor, and that's very much the mode he's in here.

There's more Topkapi in this film's DNA than Die Hard - and probably more Bugs Bunny than either of those. Which was not what the studio wanted, so they released it as a Bruce Willis action extravaganza. Something it definitely wasn't. It rarely gets audiences on your side when you advertise one movie and actually release something completely different.

Now, I doubt there was enough of an audience for Hudson Hawk's freewheeling absurdity to make this very expensive film into a hit - but what audience there was for it, largely skipped it; and the audience that showed up for "Bruce Willis, Action Star!" was largely displeased at getting "Bruce Willis, Comedian."

The Mayflowers (Sandra Bernhardt, Richard E. Grant).
They're the villains, and they're happy to tell you so.

OTHER MUSINGS:

By now, it's probably clear that I mostly liked Hudson Hawk, but I'm not going to deny that it has plenty of flaws. The biggest of these is that the movie seems very impressed with itself. It thinks it's a lot cooler, cleverer, and funnier than it ever truly manages to be.

One thing it isn't, though? It isn't boring. The story moves propulsively from one set piece to the next. By the 25-minute mark, we've observed an art heist and a murder. By 40 minutes, there's been an explosion and a car chase with Bruce Willis zipping down the highway on a hospital gurney while being shot at by mobsters. It never stops moving.

Also, while it may be less cool and clever than it thinks it is, there are moments that work. Hawk and Tommy time their heists using songs. No, this doesn't make sense - as Tommy points out, there's a thing called a watch that would be more reliable - but it results in some fun moments. The auction house heist near the beginning of the film is completed in time to Swinging on a Star in a set piece that's brisk and fun. I also reliably laughed every time Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernhardt, James Coburn, or David Caruso showed up. The actors knew the tone the film was aiming for and hit it dead on... even if Grant became quite vocal in his own disdain for the movie.

CIA agent George Kaplan (James Coburn) enjoys murder,
misses the Cold War, and looks forward to his pension.

THE OTHER NOMINEES:

Cool as Ice was an attempt by Vanilla Ice to spin his (very, very) short-lived music success into movies. I haven't actually seen the film, but every clip I've viewed is so hilariously awful as to almost qualify as art. Dice Rules is an Andrew Dice Clay standup film. I actually think Dice Clay is a decent actor, as I noted in my review of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, but it's fair to say that his standup persona is not at all to my tastes, and I will continue to avoid Dice Rules.

I have seen Nothing but Trouble... unfortunately. Dan Aykroyd's lugubrious stab at feature film directing wastes the talents of himself, Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and John Candy. Hudson Hawk may be a lot less funny than it thinks it is, but Nothing but Trouble is never funny. It's also visually ugly and leadenly paced. Finally, there's Return to the Blue Lagoon; other than featuring an early performance by a young Milla Jovovich (given the nudity, I'd argue too young), I doubt there's anything interesting to say about it.

Either Cool as Ice or Nothing but Trouble seem considerably more deserving of a "Worst Picture" title than Hudson Hawk. It's common enough that I disagree with the Razzies' final decision. It's far less common that I come out thinking that the "winner" was probably by far the best of the films nominated!


OVERALL:

Hudson Hawk is always on the verge of going off the rails throughout, and it finally does so near the end. The last twenty minutes falls almost completely flat, and the resolution is both rushed and predictable.

Still, for 80 of its 100 minutes, the movie had me. I knew it wasn't good, but it kept a smile on my face and kept me entertained. Given the nature of this review series, it's unreasonable to expect much better than that.


Rating: Popcorn & Soda.

Worst Picture - 1990: Ghosts Can't Do It
Worst Picture - 1990: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Worst Picture - 1992: Shining Through

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1990: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

Private detective Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) protects a
groupie (Maddie Corman) involved in a deadly conspiracy.

Release Date: July 11, 1990. Running Time: 102 minutes. Screenplay: David Arnott, James Cappe, Daniel Waters. Producer: Steve Perry, Joel Silver. Director: Renny Harlin.


THE PLOT:

Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) is known as "The Rock 'n' Roll Detective." He's a Hollywood private eye who works exclusively on cases related to the music industry. Like pretty much every movie private eye, he is in dire financial straits - not because of a lack of clients, but because his clients keep paying him in gifts instead of money.

Which leaves Ford thrilled when he ends up with two paying clients in as many days: obnoxious shock jock Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried), and wealthy Colleen Sutton (Priscilla Presley). Both are searching for Zuzu Petals (Maddie Corman), a dim-witted groupie whose favorite heavy metal singer was recently murdered.

Ford's enthusiasm is short-lived when a cackling psychopath (Robert Englund) makes an attempt on his life. Then the bodies begin piling up, leaving him and his assistant, Jazz (Lauren Holly), to try to piece together the connections between Zuzu Petals, multiple murders, a shady record company figure (Wayne Newton), and three mysterious CDs...

Ford exchanges pleasantries with Julian Grendel (Wayne Newton), a sleazy music producer.

CHARACTERS:

Ford Fairlane: Andrew Dice Clay actually can act. Unfortunately, this film was made during the height of his "Diceman" persona, so he's basically just playing his standup role throughout. I'll admit that I'm no fan of his routines, but I suspect even ardent "Diceman" lovers might get impatient here. Every so often, a line and/or delivery hits just right, but too often the story pauses so that he can do bits ripped from his standup routines that often feel mismatched to the scenes featuring them.

Julian Grendel: The Golden Raspberries nominated Wayne Newton as Worst Supporting Actor - which is ludicrous, because his persona is a perfect fit for his role. As a slimy music producer, Newton exudes sleaze and confidence in such equal measures that it's impossible to tell where one trait ends and the other begins. He also gets many of the film's best lines: "Anyone who says they're in this industry 'cause they like music is a lying, pathetic piece of ***, or a total idiot!" he declares. Or: "Making money is the only art form left open to innovation."

Colleen Sutton: Colleen is Grendel's ex-wife, one of Ford's clients, and his prime suspect. Priscilla Presley was fairly fresh off The Naked Gun, with its sequel coming soon, which is probably why she receives such prominent billing for very little screentime. She does well with her few scenes, with her refusal to be even slightly offended by Ford's boorishness one of the first genuinely amusing things in the film, but she's on camera for all of ten minutes across the entire movie. There were points when I forgot the character even existed... and in fairness, I think the writers did, as well.

Jazz: Ford's diligent secretary, and also the movie's actual female lead. Lauren Holly was very early in her career at this point, but she already is a steady screen presence. She steals multiple scenes from Andrew Dice Clay by simply reacting (or making a point of refusing to react) to his antics. Jazz obviously is the person who really runs Ford's business, such as it is. She's also in love with Ford, for reasons that are utterly inexplicable.

Zuzu Petals: Maddie Corman's Zuzu makes a poor first impression. She's not just airheaded, but actively idiotic, and I didn't blame Ford for only barely tolerating her. As the film continued, however, Zuzu started to grow on me. Corman plays well opposite Clay, with his exasperation with her making his own behavior seem less obnoxious. They make a particularly good pair in the run up to the climax, with airheaded Zuzu still managing to think fast to allow the villains to reveal themselves.

Smiley: The most enjoyably bonkers performance in the film comes from A Nightmare on Elm Street's Robert Englund as a giggling British hit man. The role was originally intended for Iggy Pop. I suspect Englund is better. He throws himself in head-first, putting on an over-the-top accent and chortling his way through like he's constantly on laughing gas. In what might be a nod to Englund's iconic Freddy role, Smiley seems unkillable. Ford dispatches him in fatal ways multiple times, only for him to pop back up with giggles and wisecracks before making another attempt on the detective's life.

Robert Englund as an unkillable, wisecracking psychopath. I think he got typecast...

"SAY SOMETHING NICE":

The first third or so of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is mostly dismal. The character is obnoxious without being funny, the plot is hard to follow even before the plot twists start, and the story keeps screeching to a halt so that Andrew Dice Clay can recycle his standup routines.

Then Ford witnesses Julian Grendel's horribly talentless new "star" in a recording booth. After a few (entirely merited) digs at the kid, he decides he's had enough and barges in, taking over the session by performing a full musical number. The song is actually catchy and well-performed. Surprisingly, Clay is more than decent as both a singer and a dancer, and what follows feels just enough correct for the scene that instead of derailing the movie it enhances it.

In short, for a few minutes, both the character and movie actually become as cool as they think they are. Then it ends and Clay goes back to making lame wisecracks - though oddly, there's only one point after this scene that the film becomes as bad as it had been before it.

The first legitimately good scene in the movie.

SO... WHAT WERE THEY ON?

That one scene is a set piece that sees Ford invited back to a sorority house during a party. Cue tepid bits involving Ford staring at young girls' butts and cleavage as they change light bulbs, engage in pillow fights, and so on. All of this goes on forever, stopping the already haphazard plot for several minutes that are neither funny nor even titillating for anyone over the age of about 12. The whole scene should have been cut - which it easily could have been, as it has no real impact on the rest of the movie.


WEAK STORY AND A WEAKER HERO:

"A movie about a hero I didn't like... in a plot I didn't understand."
-from Roger Ebert's 1990 review of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane was a critical and box office failure, and not without reason. It may not be nearly as bad as it was made out to be in 1990, but it is a comedy/mystery that doesn't much work in either genre.

There are two insurmountable problems with the film. The first, as Roger Ebert noted in his 1990 review, is the main character. The movie can't seem to make up its mind about Ford. In some scenes, we're clearly meant to find him and his antics to be funny, cool, and clever; in others, we're clearly meant to see him as a pathetic loser. Either approach could work... but the script needs to pick one and stick with it.

The second, possibly even bigger, problem is the story. The pieces of this movie could have made for a good comic mystery. But the story is poorly told. There's little sense of structure, particularly in the first half. One scene doesn't lead into the next. Too often, it's left to Andrew Dice Clay's narration to try (and fail) to create cohesion.

Oh, and as a mystery... Most viewers will spot the villain in the character's introductory scene. This person's official unveiling as the villain comes when they kill another suspect - something this person doesn't seem to actually have much reason for doing! Finally, the motive (unveiled in a monologue, of course) is as incoherent as the storytelling.

A hit man menaces Ford's assistant, Jazz (Lauren Holly).

...BUT SOME SURPRISINGLY FUN ELEMENTS:

This is a Renny Harlin film, which may explain some of the story problems. "Story" has never been one of his strengths. However, this was made when he was still considered an "A" list director, so he was given a decent budget... and as long as he had money to work with, Harlin could generally be relied upon to deliver some solid action and set pieces.

It's mostly in the action that this movie sputters to life. A rock musician dies on stage, while the audience cheers what it believes to be part of the act. Ford crashes his funeral, only to end up in a car chase with a limo... while driving a hearse... with a young woman's body that keeps flopping onto him in sexually suggestive ways. Ford's various standoffs with Smiley are consistently amusing, and Harlin saves their funniest encounter for last (albeit while borrowing from a much, much better movie in the process).

The best sequence is an escape/chase down the side of a tall building. Almost everything about this works. It's well-staged, with a successful balance of comedy and tension. Ford's interactions with Zuzu are actually funny and even slightly endearing. When they finally make it to the ground safely, a massively stressed Ford has an encounter with a family of clueless Wisconsin tourists at the exact moment that he's lost all patience with everything - resulting in one of the few "Diceman" lines that manages to draw laughs instead of groans. It's a great set piece overall, and it's just a shame it's not in a better movie.

Ford hangs out with a koala. It sort of makes sense in context.

THE OTHER NOMINEES:

1990 saw the Golden Raspberry Awards' second tie, with The Adventures of Ford Fairlane sharing Worst Picture "honors" with Bo and John Derek's truly dreadful Ghosts Can't Do It. The other nominees were: The Bonfire of the Vanities, director Brian DePalama's failed film version of Tom Wolfe's satirical bestseller; Graffiti Bridge, Prince's sequel to Purple Rain; and Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone's misjudged effort to return that series to its roots.

The Bonfire of the Vanities was probably doomed from the start; the satire of Wolfe's novel doesn't translate well to the screen, and it's a rare DePalma film that isn't even visually interesting. Still, it's more disappointing and dull than actively terrible. Unlike Rocky V, which is every bit as implausible as its immediate predecessor, but without the sense of fun. I haven't seen Graffiti Bridge, and I don't intend to - but I doubt it's as bad as Ghosts Can't Do It, and I'd be surprised if it's even as bad as Rocky V.

I can't argue with calling Ghosts Can't Do It the Worst Picture of 1990. However, there was no reason beyond having a "big film" in the mix for it share honors. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, for all its problems, was made by people who know how to make movies, and is performed by people who know how to act in them. Not only is it nowhere near as bad as Ghosts Can't Do it; a case could be made for it being the "least bad" of the year's Razzie nominees!


OVERALL:

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is not a good movie. It showcases an annoying hero in a story that is an absolute mess. On the other hand, I found it to be surprisingly watchable. Yes, the "Diceman" wisecracks get old fast; but they're offset by several amusing moments, some fine set pieces, and engaging supporting performances - particularly Robert Englund's wonderfully bonkers hitman.

Had the script been put together with a bit more attention to story structure and a bit less attention to Andrew Dice Clay's standup persona, I think it might have been decent. Even as it stands, after a very unpromising start, I have to admit: I kind of, sort of enjoyed it.


Rating: Raspberry.

Joint Worst Picture Winner with Ghosts Can't Do It.

Worst Picture - 1989: Star Trek V - The Final Frontier
Worst Picture - 1991: Hudson Hawk

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