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| Private detective Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) protects a groupie (Maddie Corman) involved in a deadly conspiracy. |
Release Date: July 11, 1990. Running Time: 102 minutes. Screenplay: David Arnott, James Cappe, Daniel Waters. Producer: Steve Perry, Joel Silver. Director: Renny Harlin.
THE PLOT:
Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) is known as "The Rock 'n' Roll Detective." He's a Hollywood private eye who works exclusively on cases related to the music industry. Like pretty much every movie private eye, he is in dire financial straits - not because of a lack of clients, but because his clients keep paying him in gifts instead of money.
Which leaves Ford thrilled when he ends up with two paying clients in as many days: obnoxious shock jock Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried), and wealthy Colleen Sutton (Priscilla Presley). Both are searching for Zuzu Petals (Maddie Corman), a dim-witted groupie whose favorite heavy metal singer was recently murdered.
Ford's enthusiasm is short-lived when a cackling psychopath (Robert Englund) makes an attempt on his life. Then the bodies begin piling up, leaving him and his assistant, Jazz (Lauren Holly), to try to piece together the connections between Zuzu Petals, multiple murders, a shady record company figure (Wayne Newton), and three mysterious CDs...
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| Ford exchanges pleasantries with Julian Grendel (Wayne Newton), a sleazy music producer. |
CHARACTERS:
Ford Fairlane: Andrew Dice Clay actually can act. Unfortunately, this film was made during the height of his "Diceman" persona, so he's basically just playing his standup role throughout. I'll admit that I'm no fan of his routines, but I suspect even ardent "Diceman" lovers might get impatient here. Every so often, a line and/or delivery hits just right, but too often the story pauses so that he can do bits ripped from his standup routines that often feel mismatched to the scenes featuring them.
Julian Grendel: The Golden Raspberries nominated Wayne Newton as Worst Supporting Actor - which is ludicrous, because his persona is a perfect fit for his role. As a slimy music producer, Newton exudes sleaze and confidence in such equal measures that it's impossible to tell where one trait ends and the other begins. He also gets many of the film's best lines: "Anyone who says they're in this industry 'cause they like music is a lying, pathetic piece of ***, or a total idiot!" he declares. Or: "Making money is the only art form left open to innovation."
Colleen Sutton: Colleen is Grendel's ex-wife, one of Ford's clients, and his prime suspect. Priscilla Presley was fairly fresh off The Naked Gun, with its sequel coming soon, which is probably why she receives such prominent billing for very little screentime. She does well with her few scenes, with her refusal to be even slightly offended by Ford's boorishness one of the first genuinely amusing things in the film, but she's on camera for all of ten minutes across the entire movie. There were points when I forgot the character even existed... and in fairness, I think the writers did, as well.
Jazz: Ford's diligent secretary, and also the movie's actual female lead. Lauren Holly was very early in her career at this point, but she already is a steady screen presence. She steals multiple scenes from Andrew Dice Clay by simply reacting (or making a point of refusing to react) to his antics. Jazz obviously is the person who really runs Ford's business, such as it is. She's also in love with Ford, for reasons that are utterly inexplicable.
Zuzu Petals: Maddie Corman's Zuzu makes a poor first impression. She's not just airheaded, but actively idiotic, and I didn't blame Ford for only barely tolerating her. As the film continued, however, Zuzu started to grow on me. Corman plays well opposite Clay, with his exasperation with her making his own behavior seem less obnoxious. They make a particularly good pair in the run up to the climax, with airheaded Zuzu still managing to think fast to allow the villains to reveal themselves.
Smiley: The most enjoyably bonkers performance in the film comes from A Nightmare on Elm Street's Robert Englund as a giggling British hit man. The role was originally intended for Iggy Pop. I suspect Englund is better. He throws himself in head-first, putting on an over-the-top accent and chortling his way through like he's constantly on laughing gas. In what might be a nod to Englund's iconic Freddy role, Smiley seems unkillable. Ford dispatches him in fatal ways multiple times, only for him to pop back up with giggles and wisecracks before making another attempt on the detective's life.
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| Robert Englund as an unkillable, wisecracking psychopath. I think he got typecast... |
"SAY SOMETHING NICE":
The first third or so of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is mostly dismal. The character is obnoxious without being funny, the plot is hard to follow even before the plot twists start, and the story keeps screeching to a halt so that Andrew Dice Clay can recycle his standup routines.
Then Ford witnesses Julian Grendel's horribly talentless new "star" in a recording booth. After a few (entirely merited) digs at the kid, he decides he's had enough and barges in, taking over the session by performing a full musical number. The song is actually catchy and well-performed. Surprisingly, Clay is more than decent as both a singer and a dancer, and what follows feels just enough correct for the scene that instead of derailing the movie it enhances it.
In short, for a few minutes, both the character and movie actually become as cool as they think they are. Then it ends and Clay goes back to making lame wisecracks - though oddly, there's only one point after this scene that the film becomes as bad as it had been before it.
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| The first legitimately good scene in the movie. |
SO... WHAT WERE THEY ON?
That one scene is a set piece that sees Ford invited back to a sorority house during a party. Cue tepid bits involving Ford staring at young girls' butts and cleavage as they change light bulbs, engage in pillow fights, and so on. All of this goes on forever, stopping the already haphazard plot for several minutes that are neither funny nor even titillating for anyone over the age of about 12. The whole scene should have been cut - which it easily could have been, as it has no real impact on the rest of the movie.
WEAK STORY AND A WEAKER HERO:
"A movie about a hero I didn't like... in a plot I didn't understand."
-from Roger Ebert's 1990 review of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane was a critical and box office failure, and not without reason. It may not be nearly as bad as it was made out to be in 1990, but it is a comedy/mystery that doesn't much work in either genre.
There are two insurmountable problems with the film. The first, as Roger Ebert noted in his 1990 review, is the main character. The movie can't seem to make up its mind about Ford. In some scenes, we're clearly meant to find him and his antics to be funny, cool, and clever; in others, we're clearly meant to see him as a pathetic loser. Either approach could work... but the script needs to pick one and stick with it.
The second, possibly even bigger, problem is the story. The pieces of this movie could have made for a good comic mystery. But the story is poorly told. There's little sense of structure, particularly in the first half. One scene doesn't lead into the next. Too often, it's left to Andrew Dice Clay's narration to try (and fail) to create cohesion.
Oh, and as a mystery... Most viewers will spot the villain in the character's introductory scene. This person's official unveiling as the villain comes when they kill another suspect - something this person doesn't seem to actually have much reason for doing! Finally, the motive (unveiled in a monologue, of course) is as incoherent as the storytelling.
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| A hit man menaces Ford's assistant, Jazz (Lauren Holly). |
...BUT SOME SURPRISINGLY FUN ELEMENTS:
This is a Renny Harlin film, which may explain some of the story problems. "Story" has never been one of his strengths. However, this was made when he was still considered an "A" list director, so he was given a decent budget... and as long as he had money to work with, Harlin could generally be relied upon to deliver some solid action and set pieces.
It's mostly in the action that this movie sputters to life. A rock musician dies on stage, while the audience cheers what it believes to be part of the act. Ford crashes his funeral, only to end up in a car chase with a limo... while driving a hearse... with a young woman's body that keeps flopping onto him in sexually suggestive ways. Ford's various standoffs with Smiley are consistently amusing, and Harlin saves their funniest encounter for last (albeit while borrowing from a much, much better movie in the process).
The best sequence is an escape/chase down the side of a tall building. Almost everything about this works. It's well-staged, with a successful balance of comedy and tension. Ford's interactions with Zuzu are actually funny and even slightly endearing. When they finally make it to the ground safely, a massively stressed Ford has an encounter with a family of clueless Wisconsin tourists at the exact moment that he's lost all patience with everything - resulting in one of the few "Diceman" lines that manages to draw laughs instead of groans. It's a great set piece overall, and it's just a shame it's not in a better movie.
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| Ford hangs out with a koala. It sort of makes sense in context. |
THE OTHER NOMINEES:
1990 saw the Golden Raspberry Awards' second tie, with The Adventures of Ford Fairlane sharing Worst Picture "honors" with Bo and John Derek's truly dreadful Ghosts Can't Do It. The other nominees were: The Bonfire of the Vanities, director Brian DePalama's failed film version of Tom Wolfe's satirical bestseller; Graffiti Bridge, Prince's sequel to Purple Rain; and Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone's misjudged effort to return that series to its roots.
The Bonfire of the Vanities was probably doomed from the start; the satire of Wolfe's novel doesn't translate well to the screen, and it's a rare DePalma film that isn't even visually interesting. Still, it's more disappointing and dull than actively terrible. Unlike Rocky V, which is every bit as implausible as its immediate predecessor, but without the sense of fun. I haven't seen Graffiti Bridge, and I don't intend to - but I doubt it's as bad as Ghosts Can't Do It, and I'd be surprised if it's even as bad as Rocky V.
I can't argue with calling Ghosts Can't Do It the Worst Picture of 1990. However, there was no reason beyond having a "big film" in the mix for it share honors. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, for all its problems, was made by people who know how to make movies, and is performed by people who know how to act in them. Not only is it nowhere near as bad as Ghosts Can't Do it; a case could be made for it being the "least bad" of the year's Razzie nominees!
OVERALL:
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is not a good movie. It showcases an annoying hero in a story that is an absolute mess. On the other hand, I found it to be surprisingly watchable. Yes, the "Diceman" wisecracks get old fast; but they're offset by several amusing moments, some fine set pieces, and engaging supporting performances - particularly Robert Englund's wonderfully bonkers hitman.
Had the script been put together with a bit more attention to story structure and a bit less attention to Andrew Dice Clay's standup persona, I think it might have been decent. Even as it stands, after a very unpromising start, I have to admit: I kind of, sort of enjoyed it.
Rating: Raspberry.
Joint Worst Picture Winner with Ghosts Can't Do It.
Worst Picture - 1989: Star Trek V - The Final Frontier
Worst Picture - 1991: Hudson Hawk
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